Visiting Nana
Visiting Nana —March 6 , 2019
(Ash Wednesday)
“I love you, Nana.” Your great granddaughter whispers joyfully, placing her tiny, energetic hand upon your still, wrinkled one. “I made you a picture.” She lays it at your feet (a beautiful crayon image of your house “over the rainbow”) then skips off to play... I smile at this exchange, through tearful eyes. My heart is both light and weighted.
The Love in the room is palpable, as is something else I cannot quite explain...
a knowing that this is a sacred moment.
I sit watching you...a frail, unconscious version of the spitfire matriarch i know so well...
Ninety-eight years young, you made it seem easy, inevitable that you’d make it to one hundred like you always boasted; I took it for granted that you would, assuming someone so feisty, so determined would beat time...I should have visited more.
I’m flooded with memories of laughing, singing, Irish joke telling and embellished stories....But the ones that linger now are the goodbyes...You would hug me at the door, with a sigh, say, “You’re going already? That wasn’t enough time.” And then with understanding, “safe travels. I love you.” The guilt today is one hundred fold.
What I wouldn’t give to share an off color joke (that was quite risqué in your day) over a cup of coffee, hear your “tickled pink,” (“tickle britches Miller”) belly laugh ....or hear you hum an old romantic tune as you reminisce about waltzing around the living room with granddad.
Instead, I listen to you breathe long, labored breaths that rattle the bed, the very room...futile efforts of the body trying to sustain THIS life...
I listen until my daughter beckons me from the hall, pulling me away once more. The baby also needs feeding. I’m gone longer than I mean to be. Motherhood is relentless...You know this times seven.
When we return, the room is very quiet. Your daughter holds your wrist, looks at me and nods...
You’re going already? That wasn’t enough time...
Safe travels. I love you.
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